I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Randomize
