I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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