remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
