No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
