Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
