Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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