I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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