i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
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All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
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You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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