I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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