At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
