I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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