mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
She has the best kind of daddy issues
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
