Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
