I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
