I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
