I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
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