after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
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He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
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So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
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