ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
