I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
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I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
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For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
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