I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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