Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
