wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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