i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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