Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
