ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
not ubering you a puppy
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
