You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
