ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
