i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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