Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
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i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
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You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice