Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying