Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I intend to get homeless drunk
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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