can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
