oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
