so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Randomize
