drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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