he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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