Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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