CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
