I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
If I die, sorry about rent.
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