no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
