What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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