weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
