i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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