I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Randomize
