More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Randomize
