Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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