don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
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