Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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