No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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