Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Come on in and take your pants off
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