I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
