I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
