I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
