look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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