those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
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After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
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The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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