There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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