I just saw a hot homeless man
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
This toilet bowl is my home.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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