Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
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