We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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