He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
